/sigh

Maintenance spankings????? 

We are not there, yet.  Will we be one day?  I dont know!  Its up to my owner.  I personally feel like after we get some of the punishment spanking under control it wouldn't be a bad idea.  Because I feel like and KNOW he's in control. I love the role affirmation. Of course I love the connection it brings us.   I want my HOH to feel more and more RESPECT and FEEL like he has the right to exercise his authority.   It will keep me in place.  I've notice even in this last week he's been more confident in all areas, not just our relationship. I love that, too. He deserves that self-confidence. :)

Today was not a good day - I didn't follow through with one of the chores, well actually a few, and then I did something that just the other day we both agreed I would not do.   Both of those are what we call "automatics" meaning each one gets me 6 smacks, and well now that means 12 smacks tonight with the hair brush.   Will it hurt?  HELL YES!!!!!!!  But the side effects are enough to keep me wanting dd for the rest of my life. The closeness, the ease of (okay, easier) communication.  

But when explaining to him what I did to warrent those smacks, I got mouthy b/c he said we might need to reduce the "automatic" smacks because they can start adding up.   I felt at that exact moment respect for him leaving, and out of control.  Plus I got some bad news about my mom and Im all out of sorts actually right now. 

I am DREADING the smacks, but I know I deserve them, and I feel like I need them to reset my brain and to help me remember who is in control.  B/C when I was snappin at him today I didn't feel submissive and I need to feel that way!   So this is a spanking that is needed on many differnet levels...... For wrong behavior, and on an emotional lvl, and one to bring me back to submission and him to exercise his authority over me!  I want him to WANT that!   But one thats gonna hurt like hell! 

FYI - those "smacks" are not just smacks!  They HURT!   It is a hard true spankin!!!!!!!!!!  He told me last night that I was going over his knee tonight, which after deserving and needing it, and after last night how bad it hurt, I am gonna need him to keep me still.  However I made a promise to him that I wouldn't fight with him during discipline or I get 6 more smacks, yet another 'automatic'. 

/sigh